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Why Some People Stay in Unhealthy (or Toxic, or Ab
Why Some People Stay in Unhealthy (or Toxic, or Abusive) Relationships? Why do people stay in toxic or violent relationships? While a healthier person might find it very difficult to understand why someone would remain the target of another’s abuse, here are a few things that I have heard from people (both women & men) in regard to being in toxic relationships: 1. “His anger shows he cares.” 2. “No one has loved me like this.” 3. “If I leave he’ll take the children.” 4. “I am so unlovable (bad, ugly, hurt, used) I deserve abuse.” 5. “My past is catching up with me. I deserve to be mistreated.” 6. “He is not abusive. I’m a slow learner.” 7. “God is teaching me: tough times are like lessons from God.” 8. “I cannot make it alone.” 9. “Relationships are never perfect. They all hurt in some way.” 10. “You make your bed. You lie in it.” 11. “Things will improve when we have children (get married, get a house, a job).” 12. “He’s really a good person. When I make him angry he can’t help it.” 13. “As long as he is sorry I can put up with anything.” 14. “Things are improving, he doesn’t hit me like he used to.” 15. “God will change him if I am obedient. The Bible says so.” The intensity, anger, aggression, in a toxic dance, places the victim on center-stage, and this focus is apparently experienced as some form of love. I believe that to use any of the excuses on this list indicates that the victim has lost the ability to love themselves first. My heart goes out to people in a toxic/abusive relationship that would use any of these excuses to remain in the relationship. Being a former victim myself, I recognize and can relate to all of these excuses. Back in the day when I was a victim, I used some of these excuses myself. Through the help of my family and my strong belief in God, I regained my positive self-esteem back ---- I’m a survivor. I gained back the strength, the courage to reach up out of the quicksand, and there were people there who reached back. There is help out there if you have the desire to seek it out. You can do this and you are worth it. There are many non-profit organizations whose hope and mission is to help empower individuals to achieve self-sufficiency, rebuild their lives, and ultimately help end violence within society. They can help you bridge the gap between being victims and becoming survivors.
Posted on 4/3/2008
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"When Does the Abuse End?"
In May 1995, I was a thirty-three year old woman who was in the process of getting a divorce. I had been in an abusive situation for nearly eight years. It wasn't only physical; it was mental and verbal as well. During part of this abusive period, I was pregnant. Then, it was really hard to say what I wanted to say about it. It seemed as though I had issues with communicating unless I was angry about something. I was angry about the fact that was going through a divorce when I never thought I would be. I figured that once I got married I would be so for life. What a laugh! I was married in March 1985 at twenty-three years old and the physical abuse started in June or July of that same year. It was slapping, punching, pushing, scratching, and all kinds of things that I never thought I would be going through. I always thought about leaving. I heard everything that people were telling me about my situation but, I would just filter out all information I didn't want to hear. Especially the information when they were telling me to leave. It seemed as though the more people told me to leave, the more I hung on to him. Looking for the good things that I knew was in him. Deep down, I felt that he was a good person but, he has issues that extended from his family. It took me some time to figure it out, but I finally realized that his problems are his problems to deal with. If he wants to better himself he has to want to do so it his own. Also, when you set out to change people, the only person that changes is you. Most time it's not for the best. The thing that woke me up to the kind of situation I was in was the last incident when I was hit in the head with an iron. I could have not seen it coming and not put my hands over my head to deflect the blow. That blow could have killed me. However, I'm alive and kicking today, but it still took time for me to leave. I stayed after the incident and was miserable because the relationship continued to go up and down. At times when we argued, I was scared to go into my own house. Several times when I did try to communicate to him, I told him that I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own house and that is not how it should be. That always went in one ear and out the other. I lived on my own with my son for almost ten years until I finally married again in April 2004. I don't have to walk around like I'm walking on eggshells any more, but Every once in a while a "not feeling safe" feeling comes over, but it doesn't last because I won't let it. I will never again allow this man to have that kind of power over me again. If it had not been for my family and a few good friends, I'm not sure if I would have made it through this turmoil. My son had been a witness to a number of these events and to some of the outbursts that he had when he stated that he wanted nothing to do with us when we left. I thank God that he came out of this in tact because he grew up to be a very well-rounded, responsible, and compassionate young man. My getting us away from that situation gave us both a chance to heal and have a new life.
Posted on 4/3/2008
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Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is an all-to-common occurrence in today’s society, and wreaks havoc on the emotional and physical wellbeing of its victims. Domestic violence is not a disagreement, an anger management issue, or a normal part of an intimate relationship. It is a systematic pattern of abusive behavior with intent to gain and maintain power and control over another person. This includes dating, partner, spousal, and elder abuse, as well as abuse between present or former household members. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of their race, religion, age, socio-economic background, level of education, or sexual orientation. Domestic violence is a crime. Abuse is any behavior used to control or intimidate another person and can be verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual in nature. Emotional/Psychological Abuse is the name-calling, put-downs, threats, stalking, intimidation, degradation, tracking time, isolating the victim from family or friends, and forbidding the victim to work or participate in outside activities. Physical Abuse is pushing, shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, biting, restraint, hair pulling, strangulation, pinching, burning, grabbing, shaking, scratching, spitting, using weapons, and throwing objects at the victim. There is a cycle to domestic violence and it has a pattern that it tends to follow. There are three distinct phases to the cycle: tension-building, acute explosion, and honeymoon. The tension-building period is usually the longest period of the cycle, and is generally characterized by a high level of stress. The individual would become moody, sullen, fault-finding, and very critical. They would withdraw their affection from the victim, and belittled them, and make threats. Often times the victim would attempt to keep their mate calm and placated; they would become overly accommodating, agreeable, solicitous, and nurturing. The victim often times would become silent and withdraws from and avoids her family and friends. They would probably constantly feel as if they were "walking on eggshells." The acute explosion is usually the briefest period of the cycle, as well as most severe. During his explosions, the victim could get beat, or attacked by their mate with his hands or fists. They become extremely verbally abusive and humiliates and degrades the victim. The victim would often try to protect themselves any way that they could, and attempts to reason with and calm their mate. The honeymoon period might not exist in every abusive relationship. Duiring this period, the mate would apologize, cry, and beg forgiveness, make declarations of love, and promise it will never happen again. The victim often accepted the apologies, believing that it will never happen again, because the situation "seemed to be better." Violence in a relationship tends to escalate in frequency and severity over time without proper intervention. It typically beings with verbal and emotional abuse and is often not identified as violence. This can escalate to physical and/or sexual abuse which becomes increasingly more violent and potentially life-threatening. All forms of abuse should be recognized as violent and potentially dangerous. Through proper intervention and support from family and good friends, victims can find their way back the brink of devastation and despair if they have the desire to help themselves. Coming from a survivor of domestic abuse, let me tell you that help is out there for victims of domestic violence.
Posted on 4/3/2008
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