Why Some People Stay in Unhealthy (or Toxic, or Abusive) Relationships?

Why do people stay in toxic or violent relationships?

While a healthier person might find it very difficult to understand why someone would remain the target of another’s abuse, here are a few things that I have heard from people (both women & men) in regard to being in toxic relationships:

1. “His anger shows he cares.”
2. “No one has loved me like this.”
3. “If I leave he’ll take the children.”
4. “I am so unlovable (bad, ugly, hurt, used) I deserve abuse.”
5. “My past is catching up with me. I deserve to be mistreated.”
6. “He is not abusive. I’m a slow learner.”
7. “God is teaching me: tough times are like lessons from God.”
8. “I cannot make it alone.”
9. “Relationships are never perfect. They all hurt in some way.”
10. “You make your bed. You lie in it.”
11. “Things will improve when we have children (get married, get a house, a job).”
12. “He’s really a good person. When I make him angry he can’t help it.”
13. “As long as he is sorry I can put up with anything.”
14. “Things are improving, he doesn’t hit me like he used to.”
15. “God will change him if I am obedient. The Bible says so.”

The intensity, anger, aggression, in a toxic dance, places the victim on center-stage, and this focus is apparently experienced as some form of love.

I believe that to use any of the excuses on this list indicates that the victim has lost the ability to love themselves first. My heart goes out to people in a toxic/abusive relationship that would use any of these excuses to remain in the relationship.

 Being a former victim myself, I recognize and can relate to all of these excuses. Back in the day when I was a victim, I used some of these excuses myself. 

 Through the help of my family and my strong belief in God, I regained my positive self-esteem back ---- I’m a survivor. I gained back the strength, the courage to reach up out of the quicksand, and there were people there who reached back.

 There is help out there if you have the desire to seek it out. You can do this and you are worth it. There are many non-profit organizations whose hope and mission is to help empower individuals to achieve self-sufficiency, rebuild their lives, and ultimately help end violence within society. They can help you bridge the gap between being victims and becoming survivors.